I received this in my mail today, and after laughing all the way through, thought I’d share it.

Why boys need parents…

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200 m2 house to a depth of 10 cm.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all fucking walls of a 6m x 6m room.
5. You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn’t stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words ‘uh oh’, it’s already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like jelly crystals.
15. VCR’s do not eject ‘BL&T’ sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Brisbane, Qld, has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

Enjoy!

Tags: Boys, Funny, Jokes, Monday Mayhem

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this means a 1/2 hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (refer to #1)

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

LOUD SIGH
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.
(Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.

WHATEVER
Is a women’s way of saying F@!K YOU!

DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’
For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Tags: Jokes, Women

I came across this and… giggled.

"IT’S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn’t it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON’T FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt."

"I CAN’T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving."

"I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Tags: Jokes, Men